How Tammy Found Me
For me, my first marriage ended in the summer of 1998, when I was served with divorce papers. The marriage had lasted about four years.
The divorce itself was finalized in 1999. It was devastating, but I made a decision early on: I was not going to let that experience direct the rest of my life.
I did a lot of research using books and video seminars. The most helpful was Mark Gungor’s The Tale of Two Brains. It helped me better understand differences in how men and women tend to think and communicate.
After all that research, I sat down and made two lists:
- Non-negotiables
- Nice to have, but not really needed
Those lists became my guide when I started dating again.
I set up dating profiles across eight different dating sites and stuck to my lists.
I knew I wanted to be a father, and I wanted to contribute to raising children in my own way. So I dated with that future in mind.
Family mattered to me, too. I had watched my dad build a wonderful relationship with his mother-in-law—my maternal grandmother. She was genuinely part of our family life, even joining us on family vacations. That gave me a pretty good idea of the kind of relationship I hoped to have with my future wife’s family.
I went out with a lot of women. Two of them made it all the way to the end of the gauntlet, and I genuinely cared about both of them. In both cases, family circumstances ultimately convinced me that the relationship wasn’t going to work.
The second woman was the fortieth woman I had dated.
That breakup was especially painful. When it ended, I reached my limit. After everything I had put into trying to find the right person, I couldn’t keep doing it.
I threw up my hands and called it quits on dating.
Before walking away, I made one last change to all eight of my dating profiles.
I added one line:
I like to read.
Tammy had already tried Match.com once through a seven-day trial, but it expired. She was divorced, didn’t have much money, and was using a NetZero account to get online.
A little while later, she received another Match.com trial—this one only three days long.
She found me on the third day.
I had never shown up in any of Tammy’s previous Match.com searches. But when she saw the line “I like to read,” it caught her attention.
We exchanged instant-messaging accounts and kept talking outside the dating site.
Tammy had five daughters from her previous marriage. I had fraternal twins from mine. At some point, I found myself thinking about what it would mean to become a father to five additional children.
I thought about it for maybe five seconds.
I realized it wasn’t going to be a problem, so I chucked the question over my shoulder.
I lived in Phoenix at the time, and Tammy lived in Provo, Utah. As the relationship developed, I eventually met her family.
That was what sold me.
I liked her parents, and I was invited to a family gathering. There were a lot of people there, but instead of feeling like an outsider, I felt like I could belong.
That mattered to me. I had spent years knowing that I wanted the kind of relationship with my future wife’s family that I had seen my dad have with my maternal grandmother.
With Tammy’s family, I could see that possibility.
After that, it was all steam engines ahead.
We were both pragmatic, and it was surprisingly easy to sync our parenting styles and talk through many of the things that mattered before we got married.
I also discovered that some things on my “nice to have” list really were optional. Dancing was one of them. I realized that being with Tammy meant giving it up, and I was okay with that.
We tried long-distance phone calls for about a month.
Then I got a $400 phone bill.
Tammy and I agreed that long-distance phone calls weren’t going to cut it.
We went back to instant messaging and email.
Looking back now, I can only describe it as one of those miracles I keep hearing about.
It felt like one of those moments when the universe conspired to put two people together.
Twenty-six years later, we’re still married, and our marriage is still strong.
All of that because, just before I gave up, I added one little sentence:
I like to read.
Safari: How Tammy Found Me
Start by reading the Origin Story: How Tammy Found Me.
Then listen to the three songs below in order. Click each song title to listen:
As you travel through the songs, pay attention to anything that seems to connect them to the Origin Story—or to each other. Connections may appear in more than one place.
Where to Look
This is a beginner Safari, so here are a few places where connections may be hiding:
The Origin Story — Details that seem ordinary may become important later.
Lyrics — Listen for repeated ideas, events, phrases, or details that sound familiar.
Cover Art — Don’t treat the covers as decoration. Look at what they’re showing and how they’re presenting the story.
The Artists — Different artists may encounter or tell different parts of the same larger story.
The Songs Themselves — Genre, mood, perspective, and the order in which you encounter the songs can all matter.
You don’t need to find everything. If something makes you think, “Wait… I’ve seen or heard that before,” follow it.
There is nothing you need to submit and no single clue you need to find. Just notice what you notice.
When you reach the end, stop and consider:
What did you discover?